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Tuesday, October 26th, 2004

Time:7:17 pm.
New Journal: add it & love it, eh?

3 dirty mouths !*#%^&%

Time:7:59 am.
Mood: determined.
I don't know why I do that to myself.
I really don't.

Maybe it's because we're pre-programmed to find someone to spend the rest of our life with, and when threatened with not having it, our internal beast panics and sacrifices itself for the species' sake. I don't care what anybody says. Humans are creatures of instinct as well.


You just can't fight thousands of years of history.
But dammit, I'll die trying.

So, to sum up: last night was awful. And it's my fault. Not because I was the one being retarded, but because I went and stayed and let him do what he pleased, say what he pleased, act like a complete bastard. And that's retarded enough to blame it on myself. At some point you GOTTA step back and ask yourself how much you're willing to put up with to sleep in someones arms at night. I don't know when the fuck I became someone who settles for what they've got instead of looking for what they want, but I don't like it.

That's just not me.
And you know, if he doesn't like that?
Well, sorry. Too bad.
Fuck you.

I don't need him. I gotta keep repeating that over and over until it finally fucking sinks in again. I used to know all this. It used to be second nature to me to be alone. I REVELED in it. I was that person who had to have a ton of alone time just to function in this world. And now I avoid it at all costs. And the price I've been paying lately is a little out of my budget. It really is.

I've gotta quit doing this to myself.
I don't know how to go about it the right way...so I'm just going to do it.
Life is SO short. So short.
I can't stand to waste it on this worthless shit that does NOT make me happy, anymore.
It's not the end of the world to lose kisses.
It's not.
The right person is out there SOMEWHERE, and I need to calm the hell down and just wait.
And you know what? If they're not...that's ok too.
I'm enough, dammit.
2 dirty mouths !*#%^&%

Monday, October 25th, 2004

Time:6:38 pm.
Mood: pissed off.
Being un-invited is fun.
Scratch me out of the day planner.
Good thing I'm always only in pencil, eh?

Awesome. COOL.
1 dirty mouth !*#%^&%

Time:5:46 pm.
Mood: pleased.
Howie Day.
Do it.

Download, purchase, steal. Do what ya gotta do.
Just. Do. It.
He is teh sex.

And striped socks should be worn whenever possible.

</3 laurenv.02

Time:3:18 pm.
Mood: amused.
Hahahaha, careful what you wish for!!

I did indeed get a new picture taken.

Time:12:53 pm.
Mood: annoyed.
Today in the library...

Heath: I love you, girlfriend!
Me: Me too. Hey, why do you always call me 'girlfriend'?
Heath: Cause I can't remember your name.

My boyfriend is...cool..

Oh, and more good news. I threw away my ID card today @ lunch. Insert massive eye rolling here. I really thought this one was going to last the whole year. I really, really did. Honestly though, as long as I keep it under 15, I can't even be upset. How the hell did it get to be 1:00? Shitty, I was thinking I'd have like 2 hours to go get a new ID and study before my logic class. Bah. I'd better go.

Maybe they'll let me take a new picture for it.
Since when the University made the new ID's they reverted it to my FRESHMAN ORIENTATION PICTURE.

Logic homework.

Time:9:00 am.
Mood: crazy.
I think I offended my boyfriend by calling his best friend's girlfriend a slut.
Also, by laying on his bed with my (hot new) track shoes still on.
And maybe by saying 3948723947 times last night that we can't be together.
Oh, and then there was me threatening to break up with him if he took an internship out of town.

Um, and I asked him how far in the future he had imagined us being together, and he said (very sweetly) "Well, I guess I've thought about how it would be to be old together, like your parents." to which I replied "That's silly."

But then later I still whined when he rolled over to sleep facing away from me.
And made him hold me.

But then I whispered that I'd send him a postcard every day if he took an internship out of town.
And I kissed his arm and he kissed my cheek.
And then when he was restless from sleeping next to me, I was the one who moved to the wall first.
But then I got lonely again and went and threw my arm around him.

We were up a long time last night.
See how it goes though? We both suck sometimes and we both still love each other.
I think we'll be ok.
Even if he does take an out-of-town internship. And refuses to get a cell phone. (Gr.)

So much for self-control, though.

Sunday, October 24th, 2004

Time:5:07 pm.
Mood: optimistic.
It was good to go home.

That said, also a little dissapointing. Getting to see Matt, though, was awesome. God I miss that kid!! I can't wait to see if the UNI thing works out for him and I really hope it does. I need more of him in my life.

Did a LOT of thinking while I was at home. And have come to the conclusion that along with Protein War 04', Fruit Week and studying, I'm adding self-control to the list of nerdy hotness. The term has some pretty broad implications for my life at the moment, and some pretty neccesary ones I might add.

It's not just playing grown-up anymore. My parents noticed it too, while I was at home - the little pieces of maturity buzzing around in me. I'll probably always be a very childish girl, and I like that about myself but I'm ok with growing up a little too. I'm even proud. Cause I honestly could never have seen myself getting there.

No, I'm more comfortable with an ongoing process.
I don't ever want to arrive.
Because then you die.
When you stop learning, stop changing, stop questioning and stop evolving.
That's a death of sorts.

Talking with Adam on the drive to DBQ was crazy good too. I'm not the only contradiction walking around out there, none of our lines are straight. And if yours are, what's wrong with you? Because I think I'm doing alright for myself.

I read through some paper journals from high school and my first year of college while I was at home too. And it was sad to see the stuff that I struggled with. But encouraging. Cause, hey, I'm still here. I'm learning. Slowly...but I am.

Exciting news when I got back to CF, too! I got elected (well....selected is maybe a more appropriate term) to student government - a committe member on the Human Rights Panel. I'm pretty happy about that. It seems like a very cool oppurtunity and I can't wait for our first meeting.

138------>135. WITH muscle.
Lifting. Cardio.
Studying like crazy.
Being ok on my own.
Being ok with him.
Reading more. A LOT more.

.............GETTING A JOB.

Oh, bitches.
Look out.
1 dirty mouth !*#%^&%

Friday, October 22nd, 2004

Time:2:46 pm.
Mood: good.
Oh my stars, heartburn is a bitch.

I'm like...20 years old. I'm not LIKE 20 years old - I AM 20 years old. Why the fuck am I getting heartburn at 20 YEARS OLD?! Ok, so I'm supposed to be picking Adam up in something like 12 minutes and I haven't packed. So, logically, instead of PACKING NOW, I am updating el jay. Awesome.

I need to take a moment to say, that it is not my boyfriend's fault that I have to constantly choose between him and everything else. Heath is a very driven, focused person. And I LOVE that about him. It's attractive that he knows what he wants to do, it's even MORE attractive that he works hard to get where he wants to go. He never presses me to choose him over friends or other parts of my life, it's always solely my decision. That does NOT make it any less frustrating, however. It doesn't make it any easier. But I just feel the need to clarify, because everytime I talk to him about my friends he says "they must hate me", because he knows perfectly well that I talk when I'm upset and that everyone probably gets this very one-sided view of him. And now that the whole freaking internet is subject to my broken-hearted ramblings, I feel as though I should be more responsible in my portrayal of our relationship.

I will try my best.
But I make no promises.
I am not good at being objective.

Also, it's good for me personally to talk about that good stuff too. Sometimes I think we get so caught up in judging everyone else's mistakes and fuck-ups, that we not only miss our own but also skim over all the amazing things those same people do. I know I definitely do that with him. And it isn't fair. Because, honestly, he is a fucking great person. He really is. There are so many little AND big things that I adore about him, and probably not a single one of you knows it because I'm so busy complaining about the negative.

Ok, cue the end of self-absorbed relationship contemplation.

I'm excited to see Matt, to see Lauren, to be with my parents, to eat REAL FOOD (the only time I venture outside the realm of pickles, cereal, and microwaveable is when Heath cooks for me....which is slowly becoming less frequent....AHH!!!! STOPPIT! You see?! You see how I am?!) and to just take a break from being a very self-important college kid.

I vow that I will also pick up working out at home - we have a treadmill and weights and there will be no excuses. I slacked off SO bad this week after doing astonishingly well the week before. And Nietzsche save me, I WILL be fit and healthy. If it kills me.

Ok. I really do need to pack and go get Adam. Oh, shit, and put away my dishes so that the SpicNSpan Nazis: read my anal-retentive-about-cleaning roomates...don't rise up against me and cast me out of the apartment not that I'm ever here anyway BUT I need to detach myself from this computer!

Goodbye! Have a good weekend!

Time:12:14 pm.
Mood: hungry.
No more friends only.

Sunday, November 23rd, 2003

Subject:i'm not your star*
Time:10:36 pm.
Mood: content.
25 dirty mouths !*#%^&%

LiveJournal for Lauren.

View:User Info.
You're looking at the latest 11 entries.